Social network

So what does happen when I decide to go social? I'm facing the choice of social versus nonsocial. Benefits of the later are calling me since I'm about to lose social isolation for both my husband and I. I understand that there is a psychological benefit to being social. It keeps depression at bay the studies show. It helps in a number of ways. It could get one an invitation to show at a gallery, but then there's five more parties that come with that opening. Being social begets more social activity. There are rules generated by the social that I'm not sure have a breaking point. There's also the loss of selectivity in friendship. I have two such obligatory friendships I'm maintaining to keep the one I care about. I can say that because the two friendships appear to mutually obligatory. I am only hoping that the two can occupy one another and I can feel strong enough within myself to let them have their friendship and meet only expectations. But since when am I about merely meeting expectation? I have excelled my lifetime of being a good student and remain curious about the title, The Curse of the Good Girl.

I have opened my life to the internet, although I remain some control over who sees what. I have an online personality, a mother's group personality, a friend of my husband's personality, a mother with one child, a mother with a couple of children, an appearing non hostile to the cultural sellout personality, and an only in front of my husband personality that is left exasperated telling sophmoric jokes about the people to whom the rest of the personalities appear. He encourages me to be free. What a rich time that would be. I can't fathom letting go and actually being myself, although, I sense this is the discomfort a lot of people sense with me.

I am photographing fences lately. I was even caught off guard when I saw one photo with the words Super White Power. My fencing goes beyond the enchainment of the dominant culture. Social obligations seem to run cross cultural. What is the root of the word enchante if not to signify some interchange, intercambio, and tying which will not let one be free?

Winter evenings to be spent alone reading and writing are interspersed with phone calls if not people dropping things off or at the very least emailing to maintain a bit of contact so my self serving social obligation can be fulfilled next Tuesday. Of course this social obliging has risen only because of the introduction of children in my life. Parenting has made me social. I am now running a small business and I'm going to spin the children off into the social world on their own someday.

Anayanse repeat

Tonight was the last event in a series of events for El Dia de Los Muertos. Big sister was devastated that we left the disappointing sacred circle dance before it ended. To begin with, we were late arriving. (I had what I think was indigestion and little sister had a full outfit changing poop.) From the look of things, it didn't look like a thing too great. Big sister was expecting drums, indigenous dancers, long flowing skirts, and flowers everywhere. I was expecting a circle and people clomping. We saw a couple of square scarfs on the floor with a couple of small candles in safe little glasses in the middle of the big hall floor--indoors. People were standing in small groups in the corners looking at us like we had something exciting to share. But we were selfish tonight.

We went, as a family--big sister, little sister, Daddy, and Mama--outdoors. In the great soccer field near our home we stopped under the stars. I walked into the field with little sister strapped to my back thinking it should be just dry enough for my purposes. I knelt on the ground and dug in with my fingers. The ground was damp from the rain of the past two days, but today had been sunny, so everything was just right. There was a bit of cloud cover, but you could see the stars. It was clear, cool, and we were warm from walking. I smelled my fingers for dog poop then spread mud with two fingers across big sister's cheeks. She giggled. I called Daddy near and got him too. I dotted my fingers on little sister's nose. After putting mud on my cheeks I looked up and took a deep breath.

Who do you know that's died? "Phoebe Washer" Well, you didn't really know her, you never met her. "How about Grampa Jim?" Yes, that's it, Dad's right, think of him, you met him. Now think of all your great grandparents and your Great, Great Tia Leda and all your ancestors that made it possible for you to be here today. Now look at the stars and feel the ground below your feet. Little sister was quiet. Enjoy it. We held hands.

Now that's what you do. That's what.

babies love brondo

Mama's exausted after a bout with a not so casually sick baby. See the movie Idiocracy? It's Mike Judge's movie about the United States in the year 3001, or at least sometime in the future. It's not so much a comedy in my view because it's nonfiction on the future. I know it's what the future's going to be like. Wrestlers for president with people painted up like they're at a football game for the state of the union address.

The reason I bring it up. Brondo. Plants love Brondo 'cause Brondo's got what plants crave. I gave my baby Brondo. She was in danger of dehydration so we gave her a grape flavored MUCH TOO SWEET for grown ups electrolyte enhanced drink.

She craved it. She didn't give it to the plants which is what they do in Idiocracy. Maybe there's hope for the planet. That's the legacy I'm going to share with my daughter, Mike Judge. I'm going to be sure she knows that electrolyte enhanced beverages are for people, not plants.

There you go.

rested after vacation

Lucienne Day led me to Alvin Lustig.

trash and buggers

Dear daughter had two breakthroughs. I don't know how to brag about these. Last night she was feeding herself avocado, but she was as tired as she was hungry and was rubbing her nose and eyes. Well, avocado is slippery and her index finger slipped into her nose. Then it went there on purpose, and then again. After her bath, she did it yet again, pulled out a bugger and ate it. We've decided that we'll just not make a big deal of that one.

This morning she had another new word: trash. Every Thursday morning she's excited to watch the garbage truck on its rounds. Today she jumped into my arms, kicked her legs, and quite clearly exclaimed, "trash!"

Her vocabulary is taking off with words like ball, bath, yes, hot!, no, and up. Sometimes clear, sometimes only recognizable by intonation and pointing. Noonyi is one I haven't figured out. People are starting to say, "did she just say that?" Well, yes, yes, I think she did. Listen closely, her brain only allows one time at this point.

Got to use the sleep now

Mom moment

Today was a mixed bag. Back to the city today for dinner with friends. Non-breeding friends. The baby was great until she hit her mouth on the coffee table. And I felt like such a champ. I was keeping her occupied and out of the adults' food. She was happy identifying horses and frogs scattered throughout the friends' apartment. It was also great that I managed to lead the conversation with non-baby topics.

Then the little dog came running up to the coffee table. Dear daughter fell, bumped her mouth and started bleeding. The voice of reason in my head said, "she'll be better if you keep it together". So I kept it together, but mostly for the sake of the rest of the people. So ingrained is it not to make a fuss and to keep up appearances that I calmly checked the baby for injury and decided that we didn't need stitches. She's just about to get her two front teeth. Poor thing, she just doesn't know about life yet. I felt just stupid for letting her fall. She's still wobbly on her feet and looses whatever coordination she's gained as the need for a nap or a good night's sleep approaches.

The mom moment came when I had the helpless feeling that I couldn't help her. She cried in my arms after the fall. She cried in the car seat when I went up front to drive and left her with Daddy in the back seat. She cried to be picked up after I went back to the back seat and nursed her. She cried when she realized I was back driving again, but this time fell asleep holding my hand as I drove. I just couldn't please her or make it better.

The mom moment before that was last night as we pulled into the driveway after a nice and sleepy ride home. I thought about the relief I used to feel when I knew we were home and the day was over. I was so happy to be the loving arms that placed her into a familiar bed after a big night out.

So it's been a big Memorial Day weekend. We survived her first wedding--with compliments on her behavior, even. We visited opening day for the farmers market. We are about to put her in her own bedroom. That's scheduled for tomorrow after the playgroup potluck.

Active busy smiley girl. Sneezing to entertain the hosts. Upset by growling dogs. Panting at happy dogs. Hip hop loving dancey girl.

just enjoying

I'm just enjoying the moment now. napping on my lap is my daughter. She's holding her plush baby doll, NaNa. On my right knee is the grey kitty who purrs and purrs--this has a white noise effect that I think helps the baby. Further to my right is the black cat. Above me to my right is the black and white cat, Walter. He has the prized spot on top of the couch where sun remains the longest. He's proud, as this is the result of a turf war that lasted all week. On the keyboard cat hair is floating clumsily as I type.

Ahh, it's a loving and warm moment. This is a little more like I'd expected.

Dear daughter entertained her daddy last night with fake sneezes. The fun part is that you get to throw your head back and forth to show the sneeze's magnitude.

Dirt was discovered in our friend's garden yesterday. It's still early, so there was plenty of good soil around to cover baby's feet. I found her an earthworm and she squealed with delight. She loved sitting in the garden so much that she fussed when I picked her up. That never happens. She's always been delighted to be in Mama's arms. Maybe she dislikes our 1970s brown carpet as much as me.

Later, we played with pebbles, ate avocado, and ran around the house. What a good day for big sister, mama and baby.