Monday, December 21, 2009
So what does happen when I decide to go social? I'm facing the choice of social versus nonsocial. Benefits of the later are calling me since I'm about to lose social isolation for both my husband and I. I understand that there is a psychological benefit to being social. It keeps depression at bay the studies show. It helps in a number of ways. It could get one an invitation to show at a gallery, but then there's five more parties that come with that opening. Being social begets more social activity. There are rules generated by the social that I'm not sure have a breaking point. There's also the loss of selectivity in friendship. I have two such obligatory friendships I'm maintaining to keep the one I care about. I can say that because the two friendships appear to mutually obligatory. I am only hoping that the two can occupy one another and I can feel strong enough within myself to let them have their friendship and meet only expectations. But since when am I about merely meeting expectation? I have excelled my lifetime of being a good student and remain curious about the title, The Curse of the Good Girl.
I have opened my life to the internet, although I remain some control over who sees what. I have an online personality, a mother's group personality, a friend of my husband's personality, a mother with one child, a mother with a couple of children, an appearing non hostile to the cultural sellout personality, and an only in front of my husband personality that is left exasperated telling sophmoric jokes about the people to whom the rest of the personalities appear. He encourages me to be free. What a rich time that would be. I can't fathom letting go and actually being myself, although, I sense this is the discomfort a lot of people sense with me.
I am photographing fences lately. I was even caught off guard when I saw one photo with the words Super White Power. My fencing goes beyond the enchainment of the dominant culture. Social obligations seem to run cross cultural. What is the root of the word enchante if not to signify some interchange, intercambio, and tying which will not let one be free?
Winter evenings to be spent alone reading and writing are interspersed with phone calls if not people dropping things off or at the very least emailing to maintain a bit of contact so my self serving social obligation can be fulfilled next Tuesday. Of course this social obliging has risen only because of the introduction of children in my life. Parenting has made me social. I am now running a small business and I'm going to spin the children off into the social world on their own someday.